"Many writers feel themselves to be an instrument through which, rather than a creator of, and whether you think of this possibility as humble or holy, it is worth finding out what you say when you aren't monitoring yourself. Fiction is written not so much to inform as to find out, and if you force yourself into a mode of informing when you haven't yet found out, you're likely to end up pontificating or lying some other way."

I finally got some time to actually blog and nothing wants to come.

Story of my life.

Earlier today, I was very motivated to rant about what shiznitty drivers people are. Thought it would be funny to gripe about these people while showing what an idiot I was/am/are. Just can’t get into the funny, now (+).

---

Speaking of funny, I nearly fell out of my chair when I was hit with this epiphany: I get paid to write. And I have since May 1999 (well, minus the year off – thank you MS BOB!).

Notice I wrote “paid to write.” I did not write “writer.” I am not that. That is not what I do.

But, since I was old enough to imagine that drinking would help my writing, I wanted to make my living writing. Never thought I had the great American novel in me. Hoped, but didn’t feel it. Just thought I could squeak by writing something decent on a semi-regular basis.

“Life, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.”

Well, I probably do better than squeak by. And I “publish” quite often (if you stretch the definition to include “release” or “print” or handouts in a meeting). But what I write is such crap.

Crap because no one reads it. Crap because there is no room for creativity.

But, before Tyler Durden shows up and splices in some pr0n, let me state that I am not my job.

I am Brokensword’s spastic colon.

---

+ So, here’s the deal. This jackazz tuned me up this morning because he had the freakin’ gal to drive under the speed limit in the fast lane on the Beltway (a toll way for you out of towners). I thought I was cool. Didn’t crowd him. For awhile.

Anyway, I finally caught a break and eased over one lane. Then, I phuc’ed up. I passed the dude, eased back into the fast lane and gave my brakes a friendly tap.

OK, now it was his turn to get tuned up.

He had a heck of time catching up to me as I LAID on the accelerator to try and make up for lost time.

But he did.

And he waited. He was itching for a little payback. And I could tell. He was riding me close, but not crazy close. Not like I do when I’m outta my mind.

Ok, so, here’s the deal. I know he’s looking for an opening to pass me and then slide back in front to slam on the brakes. I also know that, at this time of day, in this lane, traffic will soon come to a crushing halt.

And just like a finely executed play out of old Tom Landry’s play book, I stayed in the pocket until the last minute, then followed my blockers to the goal line.

He had waited for the lane next to us to clear out. As that last car passed him, he slid in right behind. Closer than I ever got to him, in fact. Then, he waited until he had just barely enough room to slip in between me and the car in front of me.

I could almost feel the smug little grin beginning to form on his lips as he griped the wheel and slung it hard to the left.

Boy, I wish I could have seen that smile get turned upside down when he looked in his rear view to flip me the bird only to find my shiny ride pulling along side his and waving bye-bye. Man, I was gone after that.

The fast lane backed up just like usual, as the toll way curved steeply to the left. Before Mr. Happy had time start cussing me out, he probably made a mess in his shorts trying to keep his car from slamming into the one in front of him. Most likely, he didn’t make it pass the toll plaza for another ten minutes.

The thing that struck me, if this guy had just driven like that before, we would never had met. See, he had it in him to drive with a purpose. I just had to unleash it. And, secretly, I bet he was glad I did.

Or not.

It was a pretty shiznitty day after that cheap victory. The work keeps piling on, someone keeps changing the requirements, the person they hired to help me out is about ready to quit, and frickin’ TGF Hair Cutters decided to close early.

Probably would have made it, but a cop decided that he would ride the Beltway all the way home with me. Almost 25 miles. Shame really. At seven thirty, the road was practically empty.

Fair trade, I guess.

Fifteen hours after I showed my azz, I’m finally calmed down enough to go to sleep.

Best Sentence from a New Story (Today)

"Officials said the ZZ Gator Pizza Shack on Hamblen at Burning Tree went up in flames at about 4:30 a.m."

So, um, the only place your can’t play Texas Hold’em is where?

Everybody and their mother is playing Texas Hold’em, right. Every TV Show, every celebrity, is playing. Well, you had better not do it in Texas.

Really.

I’m reading my buddy’s blog at www.sellthekids.com (he kinda likey da poker) and I find out that there’s this big Texas Hold’em tourney coming to H-town to raise money for Breast Cancer research.

Awesome. I love good works (especially when it involves gambling).

Anyway, someone forgot to mention to Phil Hellmuth that this is *still* the Bible belt. It may read 2005 on *your* calendar, Phil, but down here, well, many day’s I’m not sure *we’ve* made it out of the 19th century.

So, the DA told the organizers that unless they want to face prosecution, they should probably back off the tourney.

If you are shocked and appalled, or, if you enjoy filling out on line petitions, follow this link to tell the DA to pizz off: http://www.pokerchallengetour.com

Speaking of the 19th century and silly laws…

Marriage & the Texas Constitution

OK, like many other states, the Texas Ledge is trying to enact a ban on “Gay Marriages.” (++) Actually, there already is a law banning them. However, the new effort has two objectives. One is to ban both Gay marriages AND civil unions. The other is to actually *amend* the state constitution to include all this protection for marriage.

The effort to get this in before the end of the current session (the last for two years) has been dealt a set back. A local pol (Rodney Ellis) has “tagged” the bill (means they can’t debate it for two days, bringing it very close to the end of the session - a session that still hasn’t solved school funding crisis or budget deficits).  

What I love is the tap dance this guy has had to do since tagging the bill. People coming out of the woodwork to nail this guy. His response: if we are to amend the state constitution, we should not rush into it without the proper deliberations.

And I couldn’t agree with you more, Mr. Ellis.

Except, we *are* talking about the Texas Constitution. Look it up. I think we hold the Guinness Book of World Records for the most amendments to an actual constitution in use by a sitting governing body.

Seriously!

432 amendments in 129 years.

That’s over three a year! HOLY CRAP. Can’t somebody sneak something in there to at least allow Texas Hold’em when it’s for a good cause? And how about changing the whole “can’t buy liquor” on Sunday? Come on. We promise not to show up to church any more liquored up than we already do.

Please?!

WSJ Loses Its Mind

How bad must your policy be (if you are a Republican working for the current administration) if the Wall street Journal is writing articles critical of said policy. OK, maybe “critical” is a bit strong. However, the official mouthpiece for all things laissez-faire (well, more like “gardez vos mains outre de ma pile, Jaques”) wrote a decent story about how Rummy hasn’t learned a thing about Iraq.

See, the Rummster wants an even smaller military. His belief is “speed kills.” In fact, his position is if we had gotten into Bagdad just seven days earlier (sorry, I don’t recall if it was seven or four or even two – it was a very small number and I swear 7 is the upper limit), well, all this insurgent business could have been avoided.

Right.

One more week of having too few boots on the ground, one more week of those soldiers having sub-standard armor in the vehicles, another week with Viet Nam era flack jackets would have made all the difference in the world.

The Marines and the Army are pushing back. They say “no sane enemy” will fight the US in a stand up war (if there is no C&C, what will our “lightning strike” forces hit?). That the future is all about is insurgencies & guerilla tactics. In fact, the best way to defeat those tactics are MORE boots and better trained boots (languages and reconstruction skills).

Can you guess what the differences are between these two differing views on the future of our armed forces? Money.

The Marines and the Army want more capital spent on their people as well as getting more people. Not to say that they still don’t want new weapons. Their point is (and has been) that men and women win wars. Machines do not.

Rummy’s plan calls for a huge increase in spending (our money) to build “weapons systems.” Nothing wrong with spending money on those things (well, I’ll hold my more liberal views for another time+) unless doing so forces cuts that will harm our nation’s soldiers and our ability to defend ourselves.

Rummy’s plan would leave the US vulnerable to multiple “wars of insurrection.” The Marine & Army’s plan probably doesn’t allocate enough effort toward increasing the speed of an attack. The answer has to be a blended approach. And from everything I’ve seen, Rummy is anything if not prudent, reasonable, and judicious.  

–-

+ Well, I guess that really depends on how you define politics.

++ I put “Gay Marriage” in “quotes” to point out that this is their terminology. I mean, no one calls it “Hetero-Marriage”, or “White Couple Marriage,” right?

>But, dude, it’s a “lifestyle” thing…

OK, my ignorant construct, let’s play that game. When was the last time you heard any of these “lifestyle” marriage getting dogged out in the media (unless, maybe at a Doug Stanhope show):

Binge Marriage-a: two drunks

Binge Marriage-b: one or both marrying many multiple times

BSM Marriage: I know, I know, six one, half a dozen the other

Glassed Marriage: Too sick to even talk about

Stripper/Porn Marriage: Unless you’re a rock star, this needs to be banned!

Swinging Marriage: OK, you’ve heard of this one, but you haven’t heard any one try to pass a law against it!

+++ I believe in a strong defense. I believe that there are people and nations that wish to do us harm. I also believe that when we begin to focus on raising “the least” of us out of poverty (which means changes education, health care, and day care), the ripple effect will impact or need for weapon systems. It’s not one or the other its both. Just ask the Marines home from Bagdad. What are they saying? They are saying we need to improve the infrastructure in Iraq to win the war. It’s no different at home. Only, no one has declared war on poverty. Well, not in awhile, anyway.

Well, not exactly.

Even though Dave has finally spoken to someone in the media (Time) no new details have emerged. Well, the same old chorus: I’m not crazy and I don’t have a drug problem.

The LA Times interviewed the top dog at Viacom and got a little bit more info about “what happened.” According to Viacom, Dave complained about creative freedom and proper compensation. Viacom responded by saying that Dave has complete artistic freedom and the compensation issue was addressed in his new contract.

In fact, Viacom confirms that Dave had quit about a month ago (over these issues). The head of Viacom stayed on the phone with Dave for over an hour and got him to reconsider. Until, that is, Dave left for South Africa.

However, after reading several of these articles, a picture is starting to form (in my mind, anyway). Dave, for whatever reason, couldn’t trust the people around him. Not Viacom or Comedy Central, but those he works with on a day-to-day basis.

Seems like two things have happened to Dave. First, he’s surrounded by sycophants. Second, he’s lost faith in his ability to judge what’s funny. That, or he’s always relied on good people to help him (nothing wrong with that) and those people are gone/changed.

Like I’ve mentioned before, I almost wish he had a drug problem. Look at Robert Downey, Jr.! Has a whale of a habit and can still work.

OK, that’s an unfair comparison. There’s a big difference in work schedules.

Besides, my heart’s already been broken. Usually, you only get one chance and then I’m done (but, since Lucas has broken it not once but three times, I guess I should sit down and shut up).

Classic!

So, ANOTHER local group is trying to keep Wal-Mart out of its town. This group is supporting a local Proposition that would limit the size of new construction (dude, if you want details, google it).

And how does Wal-Mart respond? Placing a full page ad in the local paper showing Nazis burning books with copy that reads:

"Should we let government tell us what we can read?"

Wow. Nice comparison. Great analogy. Good way to build local support.

Look, maybe you’re some rabid capitalist that doesn’t believe in any restrictions on business (try living in H-town where there is NO zoning. None. Zip. NADA. Your neighbor can be a nice guy with three kids or manufacturing plant. Look, this is no exaggeration. Your deed restrictions may keep out shade tree mechanics, but as you leave your “neighborhood,” there is nothing to stop someone from building a plant). That’s fine. Personally, a more effective ad would have done just that.

But it says a lot about Wal-Mart that they equate local control over business with free speech and Nazis.

And here’s the deal, the prop calls for spaces to be no larger than 125,000 sq feet. The average mega Wal-Mart store is 147,000. Hmmm. A democratically based (meaning the prop has to be voted on) 15% reduction in the average size of your store on one side of the scale and burning books&people on the other. Yeah, I can see that. Good going.

Oh, I love the tag line for the Nazi photo:

"Of course not. So why should we allow local government to limit where we can shop?"

Hallelujah! That means liquor stores, strip clubs, and pawn shops next to every school and church.

Wal-Mart, you rock!

Nice Mouth, El Presidente

Complaining about new immigration policy (or proposed laws, whatever) he stated that Mexicans took the jobs that “not even blacks would take.”

Not even blacks.

Wow.

Vincente didn’t go to school in the States, did he?

Speaking of illegal immigration: if we stopped it today, and if we deported every undocumented worker, Social Security and Medicare would lose well over Ten Billion Dollars of income a year. That’s TEN BILLION. Gone.

See, the way it works, if you are illegal (and you are not getting paid cash) you have to get a bogus SS number. Which means you still pay all your government taxes but…tada (!) you get none of the services/benefits you are paying for. How cool is that!

Look, clearly something has to be done about illegal immigration into this country. However, I think its a frickin’ crime that our system is based not just on the work done by cheap labor, but also on stealing what crappy wages they do make to keep Social Security and Medicare a float.

Make no mistake: If you have or will use SS or Medicare, you are able to do so on the backs of these people.

Hmmm. A system based on exploiting cheap labor to prop up a system that begrudgingly provides only the bare minimum of support for the laborers, without whom the system would collapse. Seems like I’ve heard of that somewhere before.

Maybe instead of insulting African Americans, El Jefe should build bridges with them. Maybe they’ve got some experiences that could help you with this “exploitation” thing you’ve got with your neighbor to the North. Pretty sure Mexicans aren’t the first to deal with this.

[edited 05/13/2005 17:09 CST]

<work is really getting in the way of blogging>

No Virginia, The Show Doesn't Always Go On:

According to Entertainment Weekly the Chappelle Show is all but cancelled. Reportedly, Dave has fled the country to seek therapy in South Africa.

NOTE: am I the only one having issues remembering that it *is* OK to play Sun City, again?

According to the unsubstantiated crap I've been picking up from the Internets, Dave's TOTALLY freaked out over his success.

You know, I would almost prefer it if he was having issues with the reefer.

<Dave Chappelle>

Hey, Dave, the OG and I will wait for you!

In fact, if you’re DONE with the whole series thing, that’s cool and the gang. But get your shiznit together enough to finish the five episodes you’ve got in the can and go straight to the rental/DVD market. I’m telling you, I would be willing to pay $19.99 sight unseen.

And, if you need some help getting the show back online, let us know. She's awesome getting the job done (organizing, delegating, checklists, kickin' azz) and I'm excellent at other "ancillary" tasks (I can drive, type, tell you when you’re freaking out of nothing, put things in perspective, etc). Actually, you may want to let the OG handle that, too. But I can still type and drive.

</Dave Chappelle>

Speaking of loss and envy:

So, Buschick is on temporary assignment in the City of Lights. She & DBH are spending two weeks living la vida dulce (if you went to High School in San Antonio, you would have probably taken Spanish, too). In fact, the OG is making it pretty clear that she expects some kind of ancient joining ceremony to take place (I just hope DBH read Buschick’s blog regarding the DeBeers).

Regardless, couldn’t be happier and more insanely jealous if I tried. Always wanted to go to France. Can’t say that I would like to spend a lot of time in Paris. Maybe, if my French was better (see “+” below for a qualifier). No, what I’ve always wanted to do is hit the smaller towns. I could care less about buildings, cathedrals, and museums (see “++” and “+++” below for qualifiers). No, I just want to absorb the people, their culture, and their “way”. Soak up all the little differences I can get my hands on.

James Dean & gPa:

A couple of things hit me last night while catching the end of a biography of James Dean the other night. At some point, they mentioned that he would have been 74 years old this past February. And, with that little trick of math, I was thunderstruck. He and my maternal grandfather were only two years a part. What they have in common: having both X and Y chromosomes AND both dead.

Really, I’m not trying to compare these two other than they were both from small towns and farms and couldn’t have been more, radically different. Or not. Maybe if Dean had lived, he would have gone down the Brando road. That’s closer to my gPa. Well, without all the weight gain, the island, and sex with pacific islanders (….huh, could have. gPa wouldn’t talk about his experience in WWII AT ALL. So, maybe).

Jonesy Does It Again:

So, yesterday, Jonesy literally begged Aimee Mann to sing “Voices Carry” live during his show. Dude kills me. THE SEX PISTOLS.

I mean, she is definitely a guilty pleasure from the 80's.

Speaking of the Sex Pistols, Tony Wilson (Factory Records) popped over to LA to interview Jonesy for the people back in London (weird). Anyway, Mr. Wilson tells an interesting story about the Pistols.

He said that he caught them somewhere (sorry, its been a few days and did I mention that work sux) before their big "break." Anyway, I think he said they were rehearsing or playing around or whatever. Point is, he's watching Jonesy "do" Pete Townsend (Note: if you don't know what this means, I can't help you). According to Mr. Wilson, Jonesy is giving it his all. Jonesy, of course, doesn't really recall.

But, what makes this interesting is, just days later, when the Pistols make their "debut," they eschew Pete, the Who and just about everybody else that came before (ie, lead up to the crappy state of Rock by the late 70's). Kill the Hippies or Screw the Hippies or something.

I just like the image of Steve Jones doing his best Townsend riff on Monday and by Saturday the band is pizzing all over his (Pete's and his ilk's) legacy.

And, in the process, gave Tony Wilson the inspiration (?) to start his record label.

And Again: Finally an Explanation

It turns out that Fridays have been designated "Cliff Richard" day. Can't say that makes it any better. At least there is some method to it. With any luck, it will last as long as "Teeny Bopper Thursdays." Thankfully, he's dropped that "experiment." (An hour of that shiznit from the fifties. NO THANK YOU)

––––

+ OK, I would probably explode like a toad in a week from doing nothing but eating, eating, eating and eating. Probably would be difficult not to smoke. And, at that point, might as well start in on the drink. At which point, I would lose my wife (which would fuel the drink) and I would end up dead in, roughly, ten days (see below for instructions).

++ Fine, there is one “municipal” entity I would try to get to if I were in Paris (and had plenty of time): Pere-Lachaise cemetery. It would be extremely difficult to get that close to the graves of both Jim Morrison and Oscar Wilde and not pay my respects. Maybe, if I concentrated and tried real hard, I could ring out my soul, just a little. Make some room so I could sop up a little of their spiritual mojo.

Actually, it seems that they may have moved Jim (the internets are unclear on that point). Well, the lease is up (was up in 2001) and the locals want him out because juiced-up hippies and punk-azz wanna-be-poets have never learned respect for A DAMN THING!

Guess it doesn’t matter since Jim is alive. He was “found” in 1998. Yeah, living in the states! I assumed Africa would have been his destination of choice (hey, maybe Dave does have a thing with drugs and he’s trying to score from the Lizard King????). Follow this link for details: http://www.rodeoswest.com/

++ Might have to visit some World War I and II memorials as well. Too much of what lies ahead of us was forged in those fields and on those beaches for me to just walk by them.

<I think Dave would have approved>

Now, I’ve just read that Comedy Central has “suspended” production on the Chappelle Show INDEFINATELY and the May 31 “season premier” has also been scraped.

Dude.

This just ain’t right. I’ve been waiting a long time more Dave!

Sure, Dave is more than a little curious about the “elimination” of processed food remains. Yes, if you don’t have a sense of humor about the stereo-type that is most closely identified with “your people,” well, he can be a little rough (Dude, I really, really, really, really, am not a fan of Real World episode. But, hey, it’s the price *I * pay for laughing at all the other bits. Well, except those bits involving his interests in bodily wastes).

But you’ve got to respect Dave. He tees everyone up for a swift kick in the neahneahs. Between The Daily Show and the Chappelle Show, hypocrites, blowhards, and just plain idiots all get skewered. And in the most delightful ways.

Oh, and the show has the added benefit of being hilarious. Its amazing to me how often he connects. Especially considering that he works in the fringes of what is “comfortable” (ex. the Real World) or acceptable (again, that whole “elimination” thang). And yet, you could count of the Chappelle Show for some great laughs. Great writing, concepts, and execution. Dude deserves an award for consistency.

Damn.

Look, if David Stern is so concerned about the integrity of the game, why is he waiting until *after the Rockets post-season is over* before he'll investigates?

If David Stern wants to get to the truth, why did he send a clear message that speaking up will not just get you fined, but it will get you hellafined?

If it's all about the game, why didn't Stern simply, oh I don't, maybe something like this:

<Commish BS> "I deeply regret the manner in which these allegations were raised. I feel strongly that Coach Van Gundy showed a lack of judgment by using the media in this way. In doing so he disrespects the league, my office, and me, personally. 

That having been said, I must also state, as clearly as I can, that anyone, *anyone*, who can substantiate these allegations must come forward. You are not and will not be treated like a pariah. Quite the opposite, since if these charges *are* true, they rock the foundations of our great game and diminish us all. We must get to the bottom of this, now. It cannot wait.

If I need to come to you, I will. If you are afraid for your job, I will protect you. But you must come forward. If you love the game, you must.

As to Coach Van Gundy's lack of judgement, we will have a private conversation about his decision making process in the off-season."

Again, I think he's put more fear out there than anything else. No one will come forward and people will be hung out to dry. He must of known this would be the outcome of *his* actions. And if so, what motives could best be served by the silencing of everyone involved?

OK, so Van Gundy mouths off about the officials. So what? He claims he was told by an official that Yao is targeted because of Mark Cuban’s complaints about the quality of officiating in Maverick games for the past five years (he’s been fined over a million dollars for his comments).

Anyway, I don’t really care about the fines. Sure, it seems steep, but an organization has the right to police its members.

What seems silly is the commissioner’s reaction. Not that he fined him, but it seems that he’s attempting his own version of shock and awe. Multiple massive attacks. The cOMMISH is excoriating Van Gundy publicly, threatening to BAN him, fining him the largest ever for a coach, etc…

>But, dude, you just said that organizations should be able to police themselves.

Exactly right. Still, this feels different to me. Like there is something else going on. The cOMMISH seems so shrill in his protestations, almost hysterical, that it’s like Van Gundy has struck close to the bone (Stern protests too much?).

I don’t know. Like I’ve said, I don’t follow this crap too close. I check the scores to see if the Rockets won their game. I cheer (inside) when they do. I die (a little, inside) when they don’t. Then I move on. In fact, if it wasn’t for Rudy T, I wouldn’t even do that.

And I can’t tell you why I’m so fond of Rudy. He just seems like an average guy who made it. Someone who has to put his head down and work hard to compete at the highest levels. Just like everyone else.

I met him, once. And he was all class. Wanted nothing more than to sit and talk to me (a complete stranger) about basketball. Scouting, finding quality players, meshing them into a team, etc. It’s the only time I’ve EVER regretted not paying more attention to the sport.

But I digress.

Oh, and I love Mark Cuban’s “email” comments on the matter. Again, over a million in fines BECAUSE of his comments on the officiating of his games, and he has the gall to state:  "They don't officiate individual players differently" and the accusations were “crazy.”

Riight.

The accusations are so crazy that Cuban sent a list of plays that he felt should have been called moving screens but were not. The league agreed with him.

"So if anything, he has it completely backward…"

Oh, then not crazy, just directed at the wrong team. I get it.

Look, I’m expecting the Glamazon to tune me up if I’m wrong or if I am missing something (SERIOUSLY! I’m hear to learn).

Hell, I probably am wrong. But, if I am, it will most likely be in the area of “respecting the game/organization/’my house’” thang. And that’s cool.

This “no one is bigger than the game” doesn’t float with me. I’m just not wired that way. Can’t respect something because its there, has been there, will be there. Nothing and no one is infallible. As such, everything is open to criticism.

And that's what bugs me about Stern. He's not pizzed because Van Gundy is disrespecting the league. He's hot because Van Gundy is airing dirty laundry. Stern's response: throw mud on it.

Nice job.

Actually, I guess this is all about the headlines...

So, some dame runs off and the whole weekend news cycle is *DEVOTED* to her (don't know how Tom DeLay managed to keep out it). And while I didn't *follow* the story for the entire weekend (got caught up on Aaron Brown, last night), it was in the back of my head (I mean, why else would I was watching Aaron Brown).

Interesting aspects of the "case:"

* Another female goes missing, and the whole world goes nuts (rather, the media goes nutz). I know, I know, you do mostly hear about *white* females when they go missing. But, I can recall Amber alerts on several Hispanic girls. So, to me, the media's criteria for launching its all out "Amber" blitz is: a) female; b) white or hispanic. Thank gOD no one ever kidnaps the boys. Maybe they all congregate together where the pedophiles have easy access to them so they don't need to be "spirited away"?

* She claimed that a hispanic male (and a white femaile) kidnapped her. Any one remember the woman that drove her children into the lake. She claimed a black male had car-jacked her. People sux.

* The man she ran AWAY from claims he still loves her. When I first heard this I thougth "what an idiot." Typical "nice guy" practically handing the keys to someone and begging them to run him over. Again and again. But, then I thought about it and decided that this guy is hellasmart. While I would dump this broad while being interviewed by Larry King (and no one would bat an eye), this guy's going to gain megascore points for standing by his troubled woman. Sure, sure, "he'll try to make it work." But when the relationship fails (and it will fail), he will come out smelling like a rose. He will have super street cred with the ladies and be the King of Duluth, GA.

gOD save the King.

I don't know if y'all know this, but after I post a blog, I check out the sites of everyone who hits my blog. I'm not lurking. Well, not really. Just curious. And, since a lot of the crap I write comes from the crap on the news, there are quite a few people who hit my site from searches for articles about those same topics (OK, by "quite a few" I mean of the six people that regularly hit my site, an additional four hit it from searches on Google and MSN).

Actually, the majority of the hits on my site comes from MSN's little "Updated Site" feature. People don't know what they're hitting. They just know "hey, here's something new."

For me, writing a blog is hard. Actually, finding my voice is difficult. I'm not interested in writing about how I got a hangnail while stubbing my toe. But I also don't have the time and focus to be a purely "political" blog.

Anyway, the point is, I like to check out other people's sites. You know, get fresh ideas about how to make this space more readable/interesting.

So, after a post, I'll start clicking links to check out these sites. And, since most of the people that hit my site, hit it because of this "update" feature, most of the sites I see belong to people who have time on their hands during the day. (when I usually blog). And this tends to be females.

Um, fourteen to 21 year old females. Females that write in the "Profiles" section their height, weight, hair and eye color. Oh, and their hometowns. They also like to include a ton (TON!) of photos.

And every time I hit those sites, I drop-off like I accidentally hit (www)cowsgonewild(dot)com (which, by the way is pretty fast. I also snap my eyes shut. Man, people are sick).

So, what's the point? Is it to tell you that I'm not a perv? That I go around accidentally hitting freaky sites?

None of the above.

Its me, getting down on my hands and knees and thanking Darwin that I always wore I condom and it never broke.
Its me, happy, that all I have to worry about (with regards to the internet) is ID theft.

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Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying anyone aught to change or that they are doing anything wrong. I'm not judging.

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Also, I'm glad I got out of college *before* everyone was blogging. Oh, my GOD the amount of crap I would have posted. Depressing crap. Political crap. Drunken crap.

Not nearly enough funny crap (unless your idea of funny is reading depressed, politically charged drunken rants - and MSN.Spaces still doesn't have a spell checker!).

OK. Can't think of a good way to end this tripe. Let me fire off a quick script so I can jettison this sinking ship:
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At the end of the day, I just thank God for giving me the strength to be a productive member of the team.
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I just wanted to get this image loaded so it can scroll with the other images.

No comment.

Well, ...

...to be accurate, shouldn't the parts of the country where people don't actually live, shouldn't those parts be a neutral color..?

So, Molson Inc (more correctly, their shareholders) have voted to merge with Adolph Coors Co. Now, I don’t want to hurt my buddy’s feelings (the Kaiser – hell, I don’t know what beer you drink, dude), but I hate Coors. Always have, always will. Can’t stand the brew or the politics of their CEO (Lets forget the pollution, just for laughs). In fact, I think it was a sad day when they allowed Coors to be sold in Texas.

ANYWAY...Molson! Fond, fond memories of their brew. Maybe it wasn’t always my first choice, but it was always a good choice. Dude, I used to drink the crap out of Molson ICE. I remember not being able to remember a WHOLE LOTTA NIGHTS I spent drinking Molson ICE (my liver still quivers every time I think about it).

Well, all I can say is I am glad I don’t drink anymore.

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Speaking of not drinking anymore, here’s a great little blurb about GW from the AP:

----

Lamb: ``The longer you're in this White House, with all those that have gone before you, do you see ghosts of past presidents?''

Bush: ``Well, I quit drinking in '86. ... It's just really hard to project back into somebody else's shoes. So, no, I guess I don't see ghosts.''

----

I love this! Maybe if we could hear it, we could tell that he’s being all tongue in cheek. Which, you know, I would like to see. I’m not a complete jackass!

Have you seen the video of GW flipping off the camera back in the early days of his campaign for the Governor of Texas? I think that is hilarious. No, I don’t think it says anything about what a complete %&*# the current President is. Its just funny.

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From the New York Post:

You know, between this and the state of the this country, I’m beginning to rethink that whole “not drinking because your liver will fail and it will kill you” conversation I had with my doctor.

Maybe I should just get back to playing more Halo...

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I’m not going to go on about the death of Johnny Carson. He was class (in public, anyway) till the very end. I grew up watching him, SNL (and he was by far more consistently funny) and as much Monty Python as I could sneak. That is the foundation of what I think is funny. Obviously, Johnny had the greater impact (um, more *is* more). He was bawdy, silly, and smart.

However, I can’t say that I missed Johnny’s absence from TV. I wasn’t watching him all that much during the last several years. I think, during the early 90’s I had given up TV for drinking and waiting tables.

Still, it was time for him to leave. Maybe, even, a little late. Arsenio was racing up the charts as the “new" youth culture was taking hold. But, that doesn’t explain why I stopped watching Johnny. Which just proves how smart he really was. If I’m not going to watch him AND the kids are heading for the dog pound, then who is watching Johnny? Old farts. And they are a diminishing market.

Which brings me to [adult swim] and Bugs Bunny. I left out Bugs and Warner Cartoons as a source of my funny. It was Bugs BEFORE all others that showed me what was funny. So, it was fitting that [adult swim] was running the best “eulogy” for Johnny during their bumps last night. And yeah, they mentioned that Johnny’s true successor is Dave Letterman, but we don’t need to go there. I’m over knocking Leno.

Leno is like VHS videotape. At the time video recorders started hitting the market, there were two types of media to record on to. Well, two different “grades” of the same type: tape. There was Betamax and VHS. Betamax was superior in every way when it came to quality. Nevertheless, the public bought the cheaper VHS tape and recorders. So, Betamax hit the dustbin. And while Letterman isn’t doing that badly, it still stinks that he can’t beat Leno in the rating. But the Betamax is just on example of how the masses make crappy selections that impact all of our lives.

And that brings me to the lousy state this country is... <start_rant_debugging>

…Rant debugging has progress. Please waite…

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Still, it could be that I’m just in a bad mood: I’ve got a caffeine headache, my career is nowhere, I’m old and I’m fat.

That and Johnny’s gone. And class is gone.

</gen_random>

So, at a Palo Alto middle school, the principal hired a management consultant to speak to the student body. These are eighth graders.

Fair enough. I wish that someone had pounded into me the need to have a career and skills and the whole "acquisition of material things" thing. Instead *I* spent high school and college "having fun." Now, I'm having to get retrained so I might make some cash before I die (don't get me wrong: lots of fun. And, in my defense, I never expected to live this long).

So, what topics did this management consultant cover: stripping and exotic dancing can pay $250,000 or more per year, depending on their bust size.

"It's sick, but it's true," Fried said in an interview later. "The truth of the matter is you can earn a tremendous amount of money as an exotic dancer, if that's your desire."

"Fried [the consultant] has given a popular 55-minute presentation, "The Secret of a Happy Life," at the school's career day the past three years. He counsels students to experiment with a variety of interests until they discover something they love and excel in."

The incredible part of this story:

"But school principal Joseph Di Salvo said Fried may not be back next year." MAY!!!!!!!

Fried, 64, said he does not think he offended any of the students: "Eighth-grade kids are not dumb," he said. "They are pretty worldly."

HOLY CRAP! I'm uncomfortable enough with all the fifteen year old girls with sites on the NET without hearing this.....(ok, I'm not "uncomfortable" with *them*. I'm uncomfortable with *my* age and some of the fotos on their sites.)

Dude, you have to read the whole article: http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/nation/2992433

<Note: large sections of this blog was copied straight from the article>

So, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company has a new bear out for Valentine's day. Its called "Crazy for You" and features a bear in a straigh jacket. I love it and I'm getting it. However, it has bothered some people enough that the VTBC has stated that they will "retire" the bear after V-day.

Amazing.

You know, people, this is a great big world we live in. Sometimes we have to just grin and bare it (sorry). This does not have anything to do with Mental Health. You don't see bikers getting all upset b/c they've made a Teddy Bear out of their outlaw lifestyle! You know why? They don't give a rat's ass. They don't care b/c they know it ain't got nuttin' to do with them. I mean, if Teddy Roosevelt could tolerate having something soft and cuddly named after him, well, then I think we can all tolerate "Trailer Trash Barbie."

I mean, the day we put her on our money or force people to buy the straight-jacket bear, then you people can complain. But, then, I betcha, there will be a whole lot more to worry about.

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Quickies:

* According to the GAO, the Bush Admin is conducting illegal domestic propaganda. Hmmm, does that fall under Treason, High Crime, or misdemeanor?

* Also, according to the Social Security Administration Trustee’s Report and the CBO, the Bush Admin is (at best) misleading the public about the state of Social Security. That there is no crisis for today’s 20-something worker. Bad news: according to a survey, the public is starting to buy into it the Social Security scare (starts at question 13, about half way done the page). Good news, they are opposed to diverting their money into the pockets of Fund Managers on Wall Street (see question 19).

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Evolution and Marketing:

The following quote is lifted from an article that Malcolm Gladwell wrote on ketchup:

“Small children tend to be neophobic: once they hit two or three, they shrink from new tastes. That makes sense, evolutionarily, because through much of human history that is the age at which children would have first begun to gather and forage for themselves, and those who strayed from what was known and trusted would never have survived.”

The point, in the “Ketchup” story, builds to the (observed) fact that kids will naturally want to add the familiar to the new foods that Mom puts on their plates (like tuna or Brussel Sprouts). So, this "evolutionary" effect drives Heinz' decision to make their bottles smaller and more manageable for children. The result has been an increase in sales AMONG FAMILIES WITH SMALL CHILDREN.

All of this because of evolution.

But, the cool thing about us hairless monkeys is that tasty gray matter between our ears. It allows us (gives us the opportunity) to act independently of our nature/instinct.

Well, until No Child Left Behind effectively kills education. Or science is completely removed from schools. You know, as soon as they no longer need us to read and do math to run this economy, Big B<please wait>...
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 Sorry. The conspiracy tags haven’t been set for this entry.
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Trolling around for something to write about and I found this article. So, Kid Rock, Kelsey Grammer, Gloria Estefan, John Michael Montgomery and the Bush twins. Wow. Now that’s a party (guess Kid’s bringing the mescal buttons).

OK, to be fair, Kid Rock and the Twins are performing at the “Youth Concert.” Of course, that means the rest are performing in the “military tribute” at the MCI center.

If you want to buy a ticket to inauguration

So, the Dixie Chicks are bad. Linda Ronstadt is a no-no. But Kid Rock is a’ight? Hey, listen, I like Kid Rock as much as the next guy. I just think its hilarious that “an artist” that has sung, so sweetly, about the President’s mom is on the bill:

Lyrics from Pimp of the Nation:

Pimp of the Nation, I could be it
As a matter of a fact, I for see it
But only pimpin hoes with the big tush
While you be left pimpin Barbra Bush
What's up granny

Check out the rest of his lyrics, here:

Yeah, he was vetted about as good as anyone else has been in this White House.

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Hey, check out this site: http://spaces.msn.com/members/mandana/PersonalSpace.aspx?_c=

She’s awesome!

Of course she is.

She’s a Glamazon!